Thursday, 15 December 2011

Something I miss

Something I miss about living in a big city like London is the anonymity that an individual can choose to have at any given time. I miss walking along Oxford street not knowing anyone, no one knowing me or my business.

I used to stand on the edge of the platform waiting for my train to come, and I used to think, I could disappear right now. I could choose to get on some random other train, turn my phone off, see where I end up. Disappear for a few hours, or days... and just be somewhere were no one on earth knows I am. I liked that feeling that I could slip between the cracks and just exist in nothingness for a little while. I feel like my mind would be wiped clear and empty, weight would be lifted from my shoulders and I'd feel good again for a while.

Living in Cyprus makes me heavy. I get blocked and full by my day to day activities and I don't have the freedom of anonymity to disappear and clear my soul. I become anxious and distracted by simple problems. I fill my soul with mindlessness to consume my time and energy. I drink vodkamonster (grr) and let the crazy out for a few hours, I buy shoes that sparkle and make me happy through my consumerism, I smile and make conversation, I wear lipstick and think about kissing boys and drinking wine. I exist, and don't get me wrong, I live a good life, I have good friends and a job I enjoy. So what else am I looking for?

Nicosia, December 2011

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